Rethinking Bullying IX

Follow Up

Don’t try to mediate a conflict between a bully and a victim. Conflict mediation should be reserved for peers who are having a disagreement about a particular issue. If mediation is carried out between a bully and a victim, it can cause a great deal of stress for the victim and can expose him or her to further bullying. This is not a situation where each party is partially to blame; rather, the victim should know that they do not deserve to be treated in this manner.

A victim of bullying may carry deep scars in her heart from the tormenting she endured at the hands of another. Let the victim know that you will be touching base with her over the next few weeks or so, just to see how she is doing and to ascertain whether or not the bullying has in fact ended. The student who was victimized by a bully will need the opportunity to share her
feelings about what has transpired with a trusted friend or adult. You should arrange for such venting to occur whenever possible.

The damage bullying has caused needs to be faced to experience some real healing and restoration. Tears can be therapeutic. Sometimes a letter written to the bully but never delivered can help the student understand the depth of his pain and release it, as well as to see the person responsible for it. Professional counseling is very helpful in this regard and is strongly encouraged.

Rethinking Bullying VII

Work with Others

When Polyphemus was lured through conversation into drinking too much wine, the clever Odysseus came up with a plan to restrain the sleeping giant. This could not be accomplished without the aide of his comrades. The Greek sailors divided themselves on either side of Polyphemus and laid hold of his mighty ears so as to harness his massive head.

Another strategy that can be combined with the first is companionship. If a student is being bullied in a certain section of a school hallway, instead of going the long way around and being late for class, encourage him to walk with a few friends. The presence of friends can often dissuade the bully from harassing the intended victim. There is strength in numbers. Sadly, some students who are being bullied do not have friends they can count on to help in such situations. If you are able to accompany the student, do so . . . but from a distance. Your proximity sends a message to the perpetrator that bullying will not be tolerated. Work with other adults who may be able to go to locations where you cannot (i.e., the rest room, pool, athletic field, etc.). An adult presence greatly reduces bullying behavior.

Rethinking Bullying VI

Engage the Bully

After the grisly display of bloodshed and savagery carried out by the Cyclops, the Greek sailors were reduced to quivering, terrified children. Sensing that the Cyclops fed off not only the bodies of the men but also their fear, Odysseus began to plot and scheme. He drew the Cyclops into a conversation that distracted the monster, at least momentarily, from devouring other members of his crew. He learned that the name of this brooding menace was Polyphemus. He turned the discussion to the subject of wine, educating the one-eyed giant about the pleasures of the drink of the vine. The Cyclops was lured into drinking the wine and thus fell into a deep, inebriated sleep.

Now, we cannot drug bullies or trick them into drinking alcohol until they become unconscious. Rather, we ought to teach students who are being bullied how to use their minds in the moment. Encourage students to engage the bully in conversation if they feel that the situation is about to turn ugly. This tactic often distracts the bully from his original intent, of harming the victim. Further, this technique puts the locus of control back into the victim’s hands. Bullying is about control and domination.

When a victim is able to gain control of what could have been an out-of control situation, self-esteem increases. An adult can facilitate this strategy by offering to role-play the situation with the student. It also helps to have topics of conversation ready to use at a moment’s notice. There is no predetermined schedule for bullying activities, so fortune favors the prepared. Ask the student to brainstorm topics of conversation that might be of interest to the bully. Is he drawn to cars or dirt bikes? Does she like a certain type of music? Whatever the topic may be, conversation breeds familiarity and reduces fear. The bully becomes less of an enigmatic monster and is revealed to be merely human. Not only can this tactic help a victim of bullying regain control, but being able to converse intentionally with others is also an important life skill.

Rethinking Bullying V

What advice can we bestow upon a young person who is suffering at the hands of a bully? How can we, as adult leaders, help adolescents in situations such as these? How did Odysseus handle his terrifying experience in the cave of the Cyclops? In order to address the issue of bullying, we must first examine what effects bullying has on the spirit of the young person.

Bullying, and the fear it induces, can lead to the paralysis of social ability. A young person who is the victim of bullying sometimes finds it difficult to engage others socially. Conversations can become awkward as the victim shies away from social contact due to the fear of being ridiculed, taunted, or harmed in a way that is common to their experience. "Shyness" as a personality trait will often develop as a method to cope with the fear of being bullied. A young person who has a tremendous amount to offer the world may be reduced to a life of self-imposed seclusion out of fear and trepidation.

There is an interesting dynamic at work in situations like these. Young people (and, being honest, we adult leaders, too) sometimes find themselves acting out of fear (i.e., avoiding situations similar to the ones in which the bullying took place) in an effort to escape further bullying. For example, a student who enjoys playing soccer might choose not try out for the team if someone who has bullied or harassed him is also trying out. To the victim, this sounds like a reasonable plan, but looking at the results through the lens of the heart, we come to understand that self-limiting actions such as these have a wilting effect on the spirit. Acting out of fear leads to more fear rather than less. How can we assist young people who are being bullied to make decisions not out of fear, but rather out of strength?

Rethinking Bullying IV

If you should witness bullying firsthand, it is important to stop it immediately if it is reasonably safe to do so. Physically stand in between the bully and the victim. Separate the two individuals and try to avoid letting the bully make eye contact with the victim. Most bullies are sneaky and like to avoid detection. Call a spade a spade. If you saw bullying occur, call the bully out. Identify what he or she did in a calm but firm voice.

Don’t try to have the bully apologize or shake hands or in any way make amends at that moment. Rather, allow the situation to deescalate and then address the issue at a later time. If necessary, administer immediate consequences to the bully and state any appropriate rules and policies against bullying behavior. Enable the victimized student to retain his or her dignity by not asking questions pertaining to the incident with other students present. Privacy is very important when assisting a student who is the target of bullying. Questioning the student while others are within earshot can further embarrass and traumatize the victim.

Rethinking Bullying III

Signs That a Young Person Is Being Bullied

Before we can help students who are being bullied, we have to know how to identify the signs that tell us bullying is taking place. Most adolescents will not readily tell an adult about the bullying problems that they are facing for fear of retaliation by the bully or of being labeled a "tattle-tale."

A list of warning signs that a young person is being bullied includes:

• Clothing torn or damaged, belongings often missing
• Unexplainable bruises, cuts, or other wounds
• Loss of interest in school or a drop in grades
• Depression, crying easily, locking oneself in the bedroom
• Unexplained loss of appetite
• Trouble sleeping at night
• Anxiety
• Fewer friends
• Low self-esteem
• Has contemplated suicide

Whenever possible, be aware of bullying behaviors in chat rooms, over instant messenger, and through text messaging. Believe it or not, bullies have been known to use these technologies to harass their victims in a multitude of ways.

Rethinking Greg

Male Bullying: The Story of Greg

Male-on-male bullying is commonly a mixture of both physical and verbal abuse. Let’s take a look at an example of bullying from the perspective of a ninth-grade boy named Greg. Greg had started his freshman year at his new school with a feeling of both nervousness and excitement. He had experienced a lackluster eighth-grade year at his old school in Tennessee and hoped for fresh possibilities in this new Pennsylvania high school.

Unfortunately for Greg, things took an unexpected turn. During his sixth period technology education class, he ran into a much bigger student named Chad. Chad began by poking fun at Greg’s Southern accent in front of the other students. He was called "Reb" and "Redneck." The other teens in the class laughed along with Chad—usually out of fear, so as not to be singled out by him themselves.

As the days progressed and the leaves began to turn, Greg’s experiences in this class began to worsen. Since the technology education rooms were very large and the teacher was often distracted with machinery and the needs of other students, the bullying Greg faced at the hands of Chad most often went unnoticed. Chad would hide Greg’s books while he worked on a project elsewhere in the room. If Greg protested, Chad would threaten Greg, sometimes even giving him a quick punch to the top of the head while the teacher wasn’t looking. In the cafeteria, prior to his sixth-period class, Greg was often unable to enjoy lunch or even to eat, dreading the bullying he would face in during the next part of his day. Chad would occasionally come up behind Greg during class or in the hallway and kick his feet out from under him, making him fall or trip in front of others, who would invariably laugh for fear of becoming the next target.

This daily humiliation and defeat made Greg feel powerless. There was no getting around the fact that he was smaller than Chad. He was embarrassed to tell a teacher, worrying others would find out and that he would be branded a tattletale or a coward for not taking it "like a man." He was also hesitant to tell his parents; after all, his parents had troubles of their own and didn’t want to be burdened with his problems. It is important to recall that bullying is one of the major reasons cited by students who have carried out several widely publicized school shootings.

Like so many others, Greg simply stuffed it all down and, in the end, felt depressed, fearful, and lonely. Thoughts of taking his own life even crossed his mind with greater frequency. Greg felt as though he was trapped in a dark cave, and Chad was his Polyphemus. Like Odysseus, he needed a plan.

Rethinking Bullying II

Bullies may target certain students for a variety of reasons. It could be that the student looks different, perhaps racially, ethnically, or in other ways. Another possible cause of bullying is the way a student talks, maybe with a lisp, stutter, or accent. Due to previous heart-wounds, some students tend to project an image of defeat, of not being able to stand up for themselves. This tends to draw the attention of bullies. Sometimes there is no discernable reason for bullying to occur, but it does anyway.

Rethinking Bullying

Bullying in its essence is about the lust for power. It is subtle and insidious, and it often occurs right under the noses of adults. Bullies will sometimes try to control others for purposes of drawing attention to themselves, exerting their power and will over them. Contrary to popular belief, most bullies do not suffer from a low opinion of themselves. Many are popular and enjoy tormenting those who aren’t as strong.

Here is some research reported in the Sydney Morning Herald that supports this idea: Bullies often Mr Popular at school, study finds

Rethinking the Lotus

Does the lotus fruit exist in our society today? Absolutely! What sorts of things act as an anesthetic for the wounds of life? Let’s take a look at an example.

Video Games: The Story of Trent

By the time Trent had reached middle school, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would have a difficult row to hoe. He was fairly overweight, and to say that he had a poor complexion would have been an understatement. If you were to make an honest assessment of the situation, you would see that Trent had only one or two friends (if you could call them that) in the whole school. Each day, he awoke with a sickening feeling in his gut, knowing the teasing and tormenting that awaited him upon his arrival to school. “Fat ass!” “Pizza face!” “Wide load!” He tried to ignore the comments as his parents had suggested, but deep down, each unkind word cut deep into his heart. His parents were very loving and did the best they could, but the fiery words of his peers did their damage with alarming precision. The enemy was driving a spear deeper and deeper into Trent’s soul.

Trent began to come up with reasons why he just couldn’t go to school in the morning. Sometimes he felt a severe headache coming on, while other times he forced himself to vomit so that his parents wouldn’t make him get on the bus. He started spending more and more time on the Internet, chatting with others online. Some of these new online “friends” introduced Trent to a multiplayer video game in which they were participants.

This newfound activity was a fantasy adventure game that involved some pretty graphic violence. Trent found himself wanting to spend more and more time playing the game, rather than doing other things in the “real world.” His parents soon noticed that he was spending no fewer than five hours every day playing this game and was interacting with his family less and less. At dinnertime, his mother, father, and older sister would take turns trying to start discussions with Trent about things at school or his life in general, but he didn’t have much to say, for his life was beginning to revolve around the game and the fantasy characters that inhabited this virtual world.

Why did a video game become the lotus fruit to this lonely and hurting middle school student? What was the draw—the narcotic effect, if you will? Well, it offered Trent an escape from the reality that was so painful each day. In the real world, he was overweight, had a bad acne problem, and was teased constantly. However, in the virtual world of the game, he was a gun-toting mercenary named Zax, feared and respected by all races throughout the galaxy.

What did the video game offer that reality did not? During the hours that he played the game, Trent could forget about the painful reality he faced day in and day out. The game was, in essence, an opiate. It offered the feeling of power and courage without really requiring anything of him. He was willing to take incredible risks as Zax, such as single-handedly infiltrating the orbiting battle station of an alien invasion force. In real life, meanwhile, Trent rarely took risks and avoided situations where he was sure to be harassed, such as school dances, rest rooms, and stairwells. The game also offered him the illusion of something that is deep in the heart of every boy: adventure and the chance to play the hero. A recent study publicized by BBC News found that nearly a third of all students were playing video games daily, and that close to 10 percent played for at least thirty hours each week! In this example, Trent found himself acting more and more like the entranced lotus-eaters of Homeric epic.

Rethinking Influence

As adult leaders, we sometimes forget the influence we have over the young lives we encounter. Despite outward appearances and words to the contrary, they look to us for answers. A great deal of the angst we see in teens today reflects a frustration toward the world of adults for not providing any guidance or answers for their deep questions. They wonder if they will ever discover who they are and their place in the world. We are in a unique position to be Obi-Wan to those students for whom we have been given responsibility.

What does Obi-Wan do for Luke? Two things: First, in the same way Menelaus affirmed the noble and mighty qualities of Telemachus, Obi-Wan summoned Luke’s heroic heritage. This is important. Because of the relentless assaults of the villain upon their hearts, adolescents tend to be unable to see their own strength. Sometimes it takes the wisdom of another to show it to them. We have the opportunity to look for the good in our students and shine a light on it. As adult leaders, our words are far more powerful than we can imagine. Use this power for good!