Rethinking Bullying VI

Engage the Bully

After the grisly display of bloodshed and savagery carried out by the Cyclops, the Greek sailors were reduced to quivering, terrified children. Sensing that the Cyclops fed off not only the bodies of the men but also their fear, Odysseus began to plot and scheme. He drew the Cyclops into a conversation that distracted the monster, at least momentarily, from devouring other members of his crew. He learned that the name of this brooding menace was Polyphemus. He turned the discussion to the subject of wine, educating the one-eyed giant about the pleasures of the drink of the vine. The Cyclops was lured into drinking the wine and thus fell into a deep, inebriated sleep.

Now, we cannot drug bullies or trick them into drinking alcohol until they become unconscious. Rather, we ought to teach students who are being bullied how to use their minds in the moment. Encourage students to engage the bully in conversation if they feel that the situation is about to turn ugly. This tactic often distracts the bully from his original intent, of harming the victim. Further, this technique puts the locus of control back into the victim’s hands. Bullying is about control and domination.

When a victim is able to gain control of what could have been an out-of control situation, self-esteem increases. An adult can facilitate this strategy by offering to role-play the situation with the student. It also helps to have topics of conversation ready to use at a moment’s notice. There is no predetermined schedule for bullying activities, so fortune favors the prepared. Ask the student to brainstorm topics of conversation that might be of interest to the bully. Is he drawn to cars or dirt bikes? Does she like a certain type of music? Whatever the topic may be, conversation breeds familiarity and reduces fear. The bully becomes less of an enigmatic monster and is revealed to be merely human. Not only can this tactic help a victim of bullying regain control, but being able to converse intentionally with others is also an important life skill.

Rethinking Bullying V

What advice can we bestow upon a young person who is suffering at the hands of a bully? How can we, as adult leaders, help adolescents in situations such as these? How did Odysseus handle his terrifying experience in the cave of the Cyclops? In order to address the issue of bullying, we must first examine what effects bullying has on the spirit of the young person.

Bullying, and the fear it induces, can lead to the paralysis of social ability. A young person who is the victim of bullying sometimes finds it difficult to engage others socially. Conversations can become awkward as the victim shies away from social contact due to the fear of being ridiculed, taunted, or harmed in a way that is common to their experience. "Shyness" as a personality trait will often develop as a method to cope with the fear of being bullied. A young person who has a tremendous amount to offer the world may be reduced to a life of self-imposed seclusion out of fear and trepidation.

There is an interesting dynamic at work in situations like these. Young people (and, being honest, we adult leaders, too) sometimes find themselves acting out of fear (i.e., avoiding situations similar to the ones in which the bullying took place) in an effort to escape further bullying. For example, a student who enjoys playing soccer might choose not try out for the team if someone who has bullied or harassed him is also trying out. To the victim, this sounds like a reasonable plan, but looking at the results through the lens of the heart, we come to understand that self-limiting actions such as these have a wilting effect on the spirit. Acting out of fear leads to more fear rather than less. How can we assist young people who are being bullied to make decisions not out of fear, but rather out of strength?

Rethinking Bullying IV

If you should witness bullying firsthand, it is important to stop it immediately if it is reasonably safe to do so. Physically stand in between the bully and the victim. Separate the two individuals and try to avoid letting the bully make eye contact with the victim. Most bullies are sneaky and like to avoid detection. Call a spade a spade. If you saw bullying occur, call the bully out. Identify what he or she did in a calm but firm voice.

Don’t try to have the bully apologize or shake hands or in any way make amends at that moment. Rather, allow the situation to deescalate and then address the issue at a later time. If necessary, administer immediate consequences to the bully and state any appropriate rules and policies against bullying behavior. Enable the victimized student to retain his or her dignity by not asking questions pertaining to the incident with other students present. Privacy is very important when assisting a student who is the target of bullying. Questioning the student while others are within earshot can further embarrass and traumatize the victim.

Rethinking Awareness IV

How was Odysseus freed from his captivity on Calypso’s island? Keep in mind, Odysseus had fallen into despair, resigning to the fact that he would never again see his cherished homeland of Ithaca. The mighty hero was in a helpless situation. Intervention had to come from outside the island, from Zeus himself. Why did the gods intervene in this situation? Because they heard the cries of Odysseus and decided to once again step into his story.

Be Aware

Just as the gods noticed the tears of Odysseus, we as adult leaders need to be aware of changes in our students’ behavior. Is a normally happy and upbeat girl now depressed and teary-eyed? Is a boy who is normally talkative suddenly quiet? Is an easygoing student becoming touchy and irritable? Granted, there could be many reasons for such a change, but pay attention to who it is they are spending time with.

If you are a teacher or school counselor, spend time in the hallways or the cafeteria. You would be amazed at what you can learn from time spent daily in the hallways between classes or in the cafeteria during lunch. If you are a coach, pay attention to what is discussed in the locker room or on the field. There you will find adolescents at their most unvarnished. Try to notice who students sit with during unstructured time. This may sound sneaky, but listen in on their conversations. Remember that this is a war for the hearts of the young people in our care! This will reveal a great deal about what is happening in their lives and give you clues as to how you can intervene in destructive relationships.