Rethinking What Might Have Been

The first ghost that appeared to Odysseus was that of one of his own sailors, Elpenor, who had died when he fell off the roof of Circe’s palace. He spoke regretfully of the drunken state that had caused him to stumble and fall to his doom. Elpenor entreated Odysseus to give him a proper burial lest his spirit torment the king’s days and haunt his steps. Odysseus swore an oath to provide a suitable wake for his fallen comrade.

If we think about Elpenor’s words, we see that his ghost was full of regret over what might have been. When someone dies in their own world, especially a classmate, it is very common for young people to feel great sorrow and regret over the opportunities they missed to interact with the deceased. These thoughts and emotions can swirl around inside a student and preoccupy their waking hours. The goblins with which we as adult leaders must do battle are known as Regret and Depression.

One of the best ways to help a student in this situation is to give him the opportunity to share his thoughts and feelings, either in a group of his similarly grieving peers or one-on-one with an adult leader. If not given the chance to be freely expressed, these emotions and thoughts can reach a boiling point and cause some serious problems in a young person’s life. Sharing in this manner allows a student the chance to give substance to his feelings and to put words to otherwise amorphous laments and sorrows. Steps should be taken to ascertain who the close friends of the deceased were so that the group can freely share personal memories and stories. These are some ways in which we can help students to slay the monster Regret.

Depression can be defeated through encouraging a grieving student to make forward progress. Suggest new activities in which the young person can become involved. Motivate the student’s friends to come around her during this time. Service projects can be an excellent way to move the student who is sinking into the mire of depression to look beyond her own struggles and toward meeting the needs of others.

What in your life do you regret doing? What do you regret not doing? What changes can you make right now so that you can live your life without regrets?

Rethinking Love III

William Shakespeare warns us about the dangers of young “love” in his play Romeo and Juliet. He tells the story of two young people who fall in love in the midst of a war between their families. Romeo is a Montague, while Juliet is a Capulet. They chase each other with a passion, but in the end, their unrelenting infatuation leads to their demise.

The star-crossed lovers believed that the answers they sought could be found in the other person. When Romeo believed that Juliet had died, he ended his own life. When Juliet awoke from her deathlike sleep, she committed suicide after realizing that Romeo had taken his life. This play is rightly described as a tragedy! How many adolescent suicides, bouts of depression, and insecurities today are related to lost love, and to the perception that the answers to life’s questions and the source of healing have been lost?

Our culture doesn’t help much. Music videos, video games, television, and the Internet all scream sex. Flip through your television channels. Look at the advertising schemes. What is held up as the ultimate meaning of life? Romantic relationships and physical intimacy! Don’t get me wrong, for those who have had relationships like these, they are wonderful things. They are designed to bring people closer together. But to make these things the object of our quest and our reason for living is to set ourselves up for failure and heartache.

We are in a position to help adolescents navigate through these murky relational waters. There are probably some of you who are thinking that you would never be able to advise a student with issues such as these. You may feel that you don’t have your own act together, so you don’t see how can you possibly help someone else. Don’t worry! Having your life in perfect order is not a prerequisite for helping others.

Rethinking Love II

Teenage relationships that are passionate, move fast, and lead to heartache and ruin. Just as Odysseus washed ashore on the island of Calypso, wounded and in pain, many adolescents run to the arms of the opposite sex for solace, a shelter in the midst of life’s storms. In essence, they end up seeking answers to their heart’s deep questions in another person. This is a recipe for disaster.

Counselors, teachers, and parents could tell countless tales of young girls who sought their answers from a teenage boy. They give of themselves physically, believing that if they give everything they have, the answers and healing they seek will be found. Usually, they find the opposite instead—more pain and more confusion. The boy will often feel smothered from the weight of the girl’s needs and will run from the situation. The girl will then be devastated by the loss of what she perceived as the quest object of her life and will despair. When you make someone else your life’s goal, you feel destroyed and hopeless if they leave.

The way adolescent boys end up running to girls as their source of healing and life’s answers can look a little different. A teenage boy may become subservient to a girl, catering to her every whim, just as Odysseus was made prisoner to Calypso. The girl may become more demanding and bossy and begin to look down upon her boyfriend for his neediness and lack of courage to stand up to her. This is typically because what drew her to the boy in the first place was his strong, untamed nature. Deep down, she isn’t looking for someone who needs her, she is hoping for someone who wants her. This may appear to be a subtle difference, but it is very significant. She will push and push, actually hoping to prod the boy into standing up to her demands. This may sound odd, but it occurs frequently.

A darker way in which some teenage boys take their quest to their girlfriends is through violence. Searching for healing and answers, a boy will sometimes feel strong anger toward the girl for not providing what his heart is seeking. In situations like these, abuse is common. In a move that seems to defy common sense, the girl, struggling with her own wounds and insecurities, will commonly stay with the abuser. Like Odysseus, these young people end up becoming captives of the very thing they found so alluring in the beginning. As Calypso served only to delay Odysseus’s journey home, so too do unhealthy relationships delay an adolescent’s quest to find the healing and heart-level answers for which they search.

Rethinking Intervention

How was Odysseus freed from his captivity on Calypso’s island? Keep in mind, Odysseus had fallen into despair, resigning to the fact that he would never again see his cherished homeland of Ithaca. The mighty hero was in a helpless situation. Intervention had to come from outside the island, from Zeus himself. Why did the gods intervene in this situation? Because they heard the cries of Odysseus and decided to once again step into his story. Do you know adolescents who are involved in destructive relationships?

Be Aware

Just as the gods noticed the tears of Odysseus, we as adult leaders need to be aware of changes in our students’ behavior. Is a normally happy and upbeat girl now depressed and teary-eyed? Is a boy who is normally talkative suddenly quiet? Is an easygoing student becoming touchy and irritable? Granted, there could be many reasons for such a change, but pay attention to who it is they are spending time with.

If you are a teacher or school counselor, spend time in the hallways or the cafeteria. You would be amazed at what you can learn from time spent daily in the hallways between classes or in the cafeteria during lunch. If you are a coach, pay attention to what is discussed in the locker room or on the field. There you will find adolescents at their most unvarnished. Try to notice who students sit with during unstructured time. This may sound sneaky, but listen in on their conversations. Remember that this is a war for the hearts of the young people in our care! This will reveal a great deal about what is happening in their lives and give you clues as to how you can intervene in destructive relationships.

Rethinking the Enemy III

Young people today have to decide whether or not they will agree with the voices that eventually lead to despair. If they start agreeing with statements like those, it won’t be long until they find themselves becoming more and more cynical and fatalistic about life in general.

Adolescents often verbalize those statements that they’ve agreed with, declaring that they are “unlucky” or “dumb.” It would be easy to dismiss those sentiments as nothing more than teen angst, but let’s look at what is really happening on a deeper level. For example, if Danielle is spurned by a boy that she really likes, she might be presented with the lie that she is “unlovable” or “unattractive.” If she, in her mind and heart, agrees with this assessment—however absurd—she will begin to behave as if she were unlovable or unattractive. This behavior in turn will invite others to treat her in the same way. In essence, we teach others how to treat us. When Danielle hears these messages from both herself and others around her, she may be tempted to evaluate other situations in her life through the same discouraging lens.

When Ted is cut from the basketball team, he might be exposed to the lie that he “will never amount to anything” or is “a failure.” Believing this lie, he might find himself fearful of trying new things, in an attempt to shield his heart from rejection.

Here we have two young people who have the potential to be great men or women, to live and love, perhaps affecting the lives of countless thousands or even millions. Instead, through the snare of agreeing with the villain in their stories, they find their hearts bound with the chains of cynicism, despair, depression, and fear. They lose, and the world loses. How does one overcome treacherous assaults such as these? No one wants to look at life with that kind of trepidation. So, how do we help young people avoid this pitfall?

Rethinking the Enemy II

When a discouraging situation occurs, there is always a choice to be made. Look at your own life. When something bad transpires, what happens next? A subtle voice speaking in your mind delivers a disparaging message—a fiery dart aimed right at your heart—suggesting:

• “That kind of thing always happens to me!”
• “I’m such an idiot!”
• “I just have bad luck.”
• “People will only like you if you look your best.”
• “Your friends are eventually going to leave you.”
• “I can never get it right.”
• “I am a bad person.”
• “Things will never change.”

For the purposes of this blog, we will refer to this “voice” as the villain in our story. We face an enemy in our lives, an enemy that is relentless and devious. You see, when we hear the voice of our adversary, in a split second, we have a decision to make. Notice how beguiling this is! Are you going to agree with the negative statement or not? We so often end up agreeing with these slanderous assaults against our character and our heart, though we are totally unaware that we are doing so.

When we end up depressed, fearful of certain situations, or cynical about life, we are left wondering how we got there. Just like any myth, fairy tale, or movie, the villain in our story is relentless, yet surprisingly subtle in its efforts to prevent us from realizing who we really are.