Rethinking Love III

William Shakespeare warns us about the dangers of young “love” in his play Romeo and Juliet. He tells the story of two young people who fall in love in the midst of a war between their families. Romeo is a Montague, while Juliet is a Capulet. They chase each other with a passion, but in the end, their unrelenting infatuation leads to their demise.

The star-crossed lovers believed that the answers they sought could be found in the other person. When Romeo believed that Juliet had died, he ended his own life. When Juliet awoke from her deathlike sleep, she committed suicide after realizing that Romeo had taken his life. This play is rightly described as a tragedy! How many adolescent suicides, bouts of depression, and insecurities today are related to lost love, and to the perception that the answers to life’s questions and the source of healing have been lost?

Our culture doesn’t help much. Music videos, video games, television, and the Internet all scream sex. Flip through your television channels. Look at the advertising schemes. What is held up as the ultimate meaning of life? Romantic relationships and physical intimacy! Don’t get me wrong, for those who have had relationships like these, they are wonderful things. They are designed to bring people closer together. But to make these things the object of our quest and our reason for living is to set ourselves up for failure and heartache.

We are in a position to help adolescents navigate through these murky relational waters. There are probably some of you who are thinking that you would never be able to advise a student with issues such as these. You may feel that you don’t have your own act together, so you don’t see how can you possibly help someone else. Don’t worry! Having your life in perfect order is not a prerequisite for helping others.

Rethinking Love II

Teenage relationships that are passionate, move fast, and lead to heartache and ruin. Just as Odysseus washed ashore on the island of Calypso, wounded and in pain, many adolescents run to the arms of the opposite sex for solace, a shelter in the midst of life’s storms. In essence, they end up seeking answers to their heart’s deep questions in another person. This is a recipe for disaster.

Counselors, teachers, and parents could tell countless tales of young girls who sought their answers from a teenage boy. They give of themselves physically, believing that if they give everything they have, the answers and healing they seek will be found. Usually, they find the opposite instead—more pain and more confusion. The boy will often feel smothered from the weight of the girl’s needs and will run from the situation. The girl will then be devastated by the loss of what she perceived as the quest object of her life and will despair. When you make someone else your life’s goal, you feel destroyed and hopeless if they leave.

The way adolescent boys end up running to girls as their source of healing and life’s answers can look a little different. A teenage boy may become subservient to a girl, catering to her every whim, just as Odysseus was made prisoner to Calypso. The girl may become more demanding and bossy and begin to look down upon her boyfriend for his neediness and lack of courage to stand up to her. This is typically because what drew her to the boy in the first place was his strong, untamed nature. Deep down, she isn’t looking for someone who needs her, she is hoping for someone who wants her. This may appear to be a subtle difference, but it is very significant. She will push and push, actually hoping to prod the boy into standing up to her demands. This may sound odd, but it occurs frequently.

A darker way in which some teenage boys take their quest to their girlfriends is through violence. Searching for healing and answers, a boy will sometimes feel strong anger toward the girl for not providing what his heart is seeking. In situations like these, abuse is common. In a move that seems to defy common sense, the girl, struggling with her own wounds and insecurities, will commonly stay with the abuser. Like Odysseus, these young people end up becoming captives of the very thing they found so alluring in the beginning. As Calypso served only to delay Odysseus’s journey home, so too do unhealthy relationships delay an adolescent’s quest to find the healing and heart-level answers for which they search.

Rethinking Captivity

Odysseus, drifting in an endless sea of despair, washed ashore on an unknown island. All he understood was that his face was against the rough, grainy sand of a beach, and that he was for the moment safe from Poseidon’s apparently unyielding wrath. His vision skewed due to lack of sleep and his taxing ordeal, he came upon a shimmering apparition. He asked this strange being where he had landed. With voice enticing, she assured him that he was now home. Feeling the hope arise in his heart, the hero supposed that he had arrived in Ithaca; however, he was very much mistaken, for he had actually landed on the island of the sea nymph, Calypso.

Homer tells us that this intoxicating divinity had fallen in love with the mortal Odysseus. The poet gives us no indication that this love wasn’t the real thing. Calypso passionately loved Odysseus. Nonetheless, he knew that his fate lay along another path. His heart's longing was for his true home and for his family. The sea nymph’s tidal passion for Odysseus caused her to, in essence, imprison him on her island. Being battered and faint from his horrendous trials, the hero collapsed into the loving embrace of Calypso.

Calypso’s beauty and strong enchantments powerfully diverted Odysseus from the hurts and pains of his past. For close to two years, the Greek hero set aside his ultimate goal, the return to his dear Penelope and Ithaca. Lost in the haze of Calypso’s charms, he began to believe that he would remain eternally with this alluring beauty—that this was, as Calypso had declared, his home.

If Odysseus had ended his journey on the island of this sea-nymph, we would have been left wanting more. True, this island and its beautiful mistress provided a sharp contrast to the ferocity of Poseidon’s anger, but they did not provide what Odysseus ultimately wanted most. The aching hunger to return to his home and family resurfaced, and tears began to flow. Painful, yes, but the sorrow often reflects a good pain, an emptiness that moves us on, that forces us to remember that we were made for more than this. The romance and beauty that Calypso gave to Odysseus had only served to thwart his quest. Does this story have a familiar ring to anyone?

The gods of Olympus heard the cries of the hero-king and, considering his destiny, sent the messenger-god to the island prison. Hermes came to Calypso and relayed the will of Zeus. He declared that Odysseus was to be set free from the bonds of this island and was to be permitted to continue his quest. Embittered by this word from on high, Calypso protested. Finally, Hermes warned the goddess that dire consequences drive her island to the bottom of Poseidon's sea if she insisted on keeping Odysseus captive. Calypso relented at last, and Odysseus was free to journey on!

Rethinking "Love"

Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to
love—and to put its trust in life. — Joseph Conrad

You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. — Anonymous

Teens today have been wounded in a variety of ways. They are hurting. Outwardly, things may seem fine, but below the waters, there is a immense private suffering. Look at our society. What is put forth as the solution to our problems and our pain? It's romantic love, isn't it? Watch a few TV shows. The shows aimed at young people portray the main character trying to get a boyfriend or girlfriend. No doubt, it can be entertaining, but it won’t make things right in the world. Commercials communicate the same message. “Wear this deodorant and you’ll have to fight the girls off!” “Try this shampoo and the boys will flock to your side!” There are so many messages in our culture that sear the idea into the minds of adolescents that if you find the right person, it will make everything all right.

It makes sense then that when students search for answers to life’s heavy questions, they take their quest to the opposite sex. How many girls at the school lunch table have conversations that focus on boys? Quite a few! Do adolescent boys feel pressure to have sex with a girl? Absolutely! There are a great many unhealthy relationships in our secondary schools today. Why? Because students are looking for the answers they seek and the healing for their soul-wounds in the opposite sex, with little or no guidance from parents or teachers. Odysseus came upon such a dilemma when he encountered the beautiful sea nymph Calypso.

Rethinking Our Inner Enemies

Here is another great quote from Henri Nouwen:

"How do we befriend our inner enemies lust and anger? By listening to what they are saying. They say, "I have some unfulfilled needs" and "Who really loves me?" Instead of pushing our lust and anger away as unwelcome guests, we can recognize that our anxious, driven hearts need some healing. Our restlessness calls us to look for the true inner rest where lust and anger can be converted into a deeper way of loving.

There is a lot of unruly energy in lust and anger! When that energy can be directed toward loving well, we can transform not only ourselves but even those who might otherwise become the victims of our anger and lust. This takes patience, but it is possible."

We try so hard to discipline and manage our outer lives that we more often than not neglect what is going on in our hearts. Our fears, lust, and anger can lead us to some real truth if we are courageous enough to listen to them rather than acting on them or pushing them down.